May I be Transparent?

BEWARE: THIS IS A LONG POST

First let me tell ya, I've missed YOU! It's been a little over a week since my last post and that is because I've been down in the dumps and I didn't want to bring any negative attention to my blog. Lol.. Life has definitely been kicking my butt this past week. However, Slowly but surely I am getting it together.
Now to my post:-)

I am a woman who at 20 years of age quit her job as an Administrative Assistant at a Law Firm. Got married eloped to my college boyfriend after only 7 months of dating. Yep, 7 months.... AND this same woman found out she was pregnant 2 months after marrying her college sweetheart. 





Things couldn't have happened any faster..... Now throughout my 9 months of pregnancy and being a newlywed we struggled but we struggled together. We argued but we overcame. I was living 2 hours outside of Atlanta in the country away from my family so they would come and get me sometimes due to the fact that I had absolutely positively no friends where I was and I sat in the house pretty much depressed because the life I thought I was going to have, didn't end up that way. Me and my husband come from 2 totally different backgrounds.





My husband comes from a background where both parents were addicts, he's seen things that none of us could possibly imagine seeing as a child, and he accepted Christ at 16 in his bedroom watching television, which makes his testimony even more amazing.





I am the oldest sibling (I have 1 brother and a half sister that I hardly know), I'm a product of a divorced family (they got divorced when I was 3 and my brother was an infant) and I grew up with just my mom. I've always been good in school and I grew up in church "literally"... Lol... We were always there, my grandfather was the Pastor and my was an Evangelist (who is now the pastor).





WELL, with my father being absent from the home and feeling neglected in the home due to a busy single mom (even though I know she was doing the best she could) and a little brother who was very much a troubled child I began suffering from low self esteem throughout my life and at 16, I started having premarital sex. Trying to find love in the wrong places. Let me just say that was definitely the wrong route. I had about 3 bad relationships and just continued to deal with depression, suicidal thoughts, and every bad thought that would come to my mind I would entertain it.  




As time passed I got really serious about my relationship with God and even though it was hard and I would still fall into sin, I would still overcome all of things that the devil would throw at me and I could slowly see the light at the end of the tunnel. Throughout this transition I decided that going to a Christian college was the best route for me and that's where I met my husband. He led worship in chapel on Tuesdays, he was a really good Christian guy who loved God for real! lol... But we didn't click.... The first semester I was there we couldn't stand each other. He thought I was stuck up and "ghetto" and I thought he was stuck up and too "deep" to be around but my 2nd semester at the school something happened. God happened. Lol.... We went out one night on a "hayride" and the rest is history.

I felt like he was 'THE GUY".... But there was only one thing, we moved entirely too fast. At the moment, you don't realize you're moving too fast because you're so in love... lol... anywhoo, so we're married now and I'm pregnant barely making it. We have Madison and things are good. Still struggling but we are happy. He graduates from college and a few months later we move back to Atlanta. I eventually went back to school to take up a trade and I got hired at a Podiatry Office as a Administrative Assistant to the entire Billing Department (Aint God good) 2 years go by and we're in our 3rd year of marriage and all hell breaks loose. We were headed for divorce and things were horrible (that's when I started my blog). To make a very long story short by the Grace of God we reconciled and 3 months later I found out I was pregnant with Mallorie, my husband got hired as a Probation Officer, and due to us having only one car I had to quit my job again. HA! 



I can honestly say that these last 1 1/2 years has been one of the best years of our marriage and that's why only after 5 years of marriage we decided to renew our vows. I LOVE my hunny bunny aka "the hubbs"!  I said all of that to say this.... I am 26 years old and I have worried about my husband finishing school, supporting him with his music, trying to keep my home a happy home, taking care of the kids and last but not least. I've worried, helped, and supported everyone else's dream but mine. I got to the point where I'm asking God what about me? I've lost track of who God has called me to be or what he even wants me to do. I've had so many dreams and things I wanted to do but in the last 6 years LIFE has definitely taken over. 



I know that I can still do it but I'm to the point where I am numb. I feel like every time I get a new job or something good happens to me I have to give it up. I'm always the one who sacrifices everything and its ok sometimes but I'm almost 30 and I want to get some things accomplished. 




If I could change the past I would've dated longer, waited to get married, and waited on the children but I can not change the past and its OK;-) I've definitely embraced where I've gone in life and the testimony God has given me. I want to reach lots of women old and young with my story because I have a story and one day God is going to give me the strength and the will power to tell it but our timing is not his so I'm waiting on his release. I know that God is going to do something Great for me this year. I feel it.... But I have to shake this heaven burden off and move on. 

BTW- If you haven't figured it out by now, I am NOT a blogger who just writes about the "good" stuff. I like to be real. I want my readers to know that they're not alone and that we as women can share our feelings and not be judged. Now I'm not saying to tell all of your business because I wouldn't dare do it myself. However, we overcome by the word of our testimony and hopefully we can help each other through our experiences and through prayer. 




Lastly, Tonight a Pastor from Pennsylvania came to visit me and my husband because he wants my husband and I to move to Pennsylvania so my husband can become his Worship Pastor. When I tell you I am so confused and I REALLY need to hear God's voice on this one. This seems like an awesome opportunity and I'm trying not to be selfish but what is a girl to do? lol..... Pray for me as I go through yet another transition!  P.S. I know I may have rambled a bit so please forgive me:-)

What type of mommy am I?

I am not your typical mommy. I don't know how to act like I have it all together or try to impress people with ways that I raise my children. I am a Stay at Home Mom who gets frustrated, moody, and happy all in a matter of 5 mins. Society makes women believe that we have to have it all together but in all honesty we are human and things aren't always going to be perfect.

I enjoy my kids and I love them with every thing in me but kids are a handful  well maybe my kids because I know some of you have it all together  and they can wear you out and bring on complete exhaustion. My sweet bowlegged 1 year old Mallorie is into EVERYTHING and she loves her mommy. She is one clingy baby and she won't let me out of her sight. It is so emotionally draining when you have a clingy baby grabbing on you "ALL" day and crying when you leave her sight. It's emotionally tiring and exhausting.

Sometimes throughout the day I think to myself "Am I suppose to be a SAHM?"..... Crazy thing is sometimes I feel like I am and sometimes I feel like I should be doing something else but daycare is $250 a week and aint nobody got time for that... LOL....

There are days when I feel like this wonderful supermom and then there are days when I feel like I going to lose my mind. And Mommies if you ever have those feelings IT'S OK!!!! I had to except that it is ok to feel that way. Being home with 1+ child all day, I mean literally all day, is very exhausting. I have found different hobbies to at least feel like I'm doing something with my life because if I don't have something to bring me back to reality when I'm having a moody mommy day, I probably would go in a closet and cry.

Let me be clear, I LOVE and ADORE my blessings from God but I have those days where I'm like this couldn't be the life I thought I was going to have. HA! I mean you think you're going to go to college and finish (for those of us who didn't) meet this amazing man, get married, have beautiful obedient kids, and live this amazing beautiful life and its going to be this fairytale! Ummmmm- NOT! HA! Life isn't like that.... It comes with all types of twists, turns, mistakes, errors, happy, sad, and amazing moments.

I get compliments on how good I am with the girls and then there are days I feel like this horrible mom but I guess its just that inner crazy me talking. Being a mom is hard, dedicated work. Our kids depend on us, whether we work or stay home and it is a lot to carry and its scary because you trying to make sure you're raising them the best way you know how. However, I am blessed with these two beautiful girls but this mommy gets tired and drained. I need God to strengthen me because this is one tough job. If you're honest with yourself you get frustrated too:)


-Martina

Happy in my own skin.....

I am comfortable with who I am and what I do right now in my life.

Most people think I should be doing whatever they have in mind but what I'm doing is taking care of my family and I'm Happy with that. I've had a few emotional moments b/c there have been a few setbacks but overall I'm Happy. I enjoy waking up to my 3 year old Madison every morning (except for the whole potty thing...hehehe) seeing her grow into a beautiful girl. I can proudly say that I taught her ABC's, how to count to 20, her colors, her name, how old she, her b-day, etc. All of these great things were done by me and she's known all of these things since age 2 or younger. Being a S.A.H.M I am glad I was able to see all of this first hand and I was able to see her grow up into the beautiful girl she is now. I am expecting another Girl at the end of October 2011 and I plan on doing the same thing with her as well and I'm Happy with that decision.

When I was working I had pretty good jobs... Legal Assistant at a Law Firm and I even went back to school and I got hired on my externship and started working as a Administrative Assistant for the Billing Dept at a Podiatry Office. BUT I gave up up those jobs to focus on my family and I have no regrets. We had some financial setbacks but God has provided and I'm grateful.

I believe there are some women who wish they could stay home with their children but can't and there are some women who want to be out there working and guess what there is nothing wrong with either one.

It would really aggravate me when people would ask well what are you doing these days and I say "I"m a S.A.H.M"(stay at home mom) people sometimes give good responses and some have something negative to say but guess what it doesn't bother me either way because I'm Happy being me and where I am in life.

Ladies and Gentlemen, there comes a time in life where we need to just be Happy with where we are, whether its working at a fast food joint, staying home with the family, going to school, not in school, etc. for so long people have always tried to put us in a certain category and they always try to decide what we should be doing and sometimes we do it just to please everyone else. I stopped that a long time ago.... Let's be Happy with where we are and where God is going to take us. If you're not in a good place right now and want God to change your situation just pray and ask for guidance and instruction on what he wants you to do. This life isn't easy and sometimes we get upset because we don't know what God wants us to do or what we even want to do but all I'm saying is until you find out what that something is.... Live Life Happy and just enjoy it to the fullest!

Everything doesn't go the way I want it to all the time... Sometimes I even cry, get upset, complain etc. I'm human and those things happen but I brush it off and keep moving and I try my best to please God in whatever I'm doing.

Let's live a life pleasing to God. Let's be Happy. Let's live according to his word. and let's not let the world dictate what we should do but do what you do and be Happy doing it:-)

Happiness

You cannot buy your happiness,
'Cause happiness is free.
Don't you know, or can't you guess,
It's there for you and me.
And what you do with what you've got,
Can change the way you feel.
Just do your best and smile a lot,
You'll keep an even keel. 
Cause happiness is made for YOU,
Just take a bite and see
That happiness is what you do
With something that is free. 

By: George Savige

This one is for the men.... Who are you married too????

Is it the Xbox, Your Job, Computer, Work, Church, Or Your Boys?

I ask those questions because that's what most men attach themselves too after a hard days work and its OK but nothing should come before your family. Did you make vows to all of those things? No...... So, We as women and children desire your attention. We shouldn't have to beg or complain or even argue until you decide to want to do something with us. If God blessed you with a family, you should want to spend quality time with them instead of complaining or making up excuses all the time for why you don't want to do anything.

For the record..... When you want to get on top of us and have sex, we are tired too and sometimes don't even want to do it but we do.

I'll talk about me for a moment- My husband loves his Xbox and I don't mind him playing but he sometimes forgets about my feelings and neglects me due to that game and I desire his attention and I desire it even more now because I'm pregnant. That's just one of our issues but God is still working on us just like any married couple. Pray Saints! Lol

All men need an outlet and I'm saying that you shouldn't have one but don't forget about the ones who>>> Wash your clothes, take care of the kids, make sure everyone is feed, make sure the house is clean, etc. We work hard men and sometimes we just want to be held, feel appreciated, loved, special, sexy, and all of the above. If we can boost your ego you can boost ours sometimes. Can I get an Amen Ladies???

Men I know you feel like you're doing your duty by working and paying the bills and you think that's all you're suppose to do... Ummmmm- I hate to bust your bubble but that's not it! Men we appreciate ALL you do but I promise if you make us feel like you care, life would be alot easier:-)


                     

Excepting where I am in Life and Embracing Change!

Can we say Superwoman? So many things come to mind when we talk about the titles we have as women. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed (nothing wrong with that) b/c you have to do the laundry, get the kids ready, cook, work (even though I quit my job 2 months ago), have sex with the husbandman, play with the kids, clean, and yes I'm leaving some things out but sometimes I just want ME time but at times I so love being with my family! As long as we have that Balance everything will work out BUT sometimes its hard trying to keep things balanced b/c things change so much. Especially when your married with a child and some! People would say I wouldn't have gotten married so young or had kids at that age but who cares, NOT ME! I'm SO happy with my life, at first it was hard trying to except the decision I made to get married b/c I moved away from family and I was alone where we were living but God gives us a peace about where we are in our life and he allows to embrace where we are, except change, and learn life lessons. I won't lie and say it has been easy because it hasn't but I will say I'm thankful for who God placed in my life and who he took out. I no longer try to hold on to the past or dwell on it but I've learned to embrace and be a testimony to others. If you're reading this know that whatever you went though wasn't just for you but for you to help someone else.


Tina

TwEnTy-TeN

I believe that God takes us through things to make us into what he wants us to be. Some things took place that sort of pushed me into going back to school and I'm glad that I went back. For a while, I was fearful about going back to school because I felt like I wouldn't know how to balance being a mother, wife, & focus on school work. I know people do it everyday but I haven't always been the type to balance a lot of things at once. Lol... However- that's why I love God's word because in his word he states that through him I CAN do ALL things. He's allowed me to believe in myself and focus on what plans he has for me. I prayed to God once and I told him that I no longer wanted to do what Martina wanted to do but what he wanted Me to do. Sometimes we can get so carried away with our lives that we forget to ask God what he wants for us. All I want is to please him and live my life according to his plans. And no I'm NOT perfect but I try to do right everyday. As of right now, I'm excelling in school, better than I thought I would, and I give God all the praise for that. I believe the year of 2010 is going to be a year of prosperity & accomplishment for me and my family because we've been through so much but God has sustained us; and I believe he's going to reward us this year for our faithfulness and devotion toward him. The year of 08 - 09 were the worse years for me and my husband, all I'll say right now is that we'll NEVER get taken advantage of in church again & some other things happened in those 2 years but I think that was the worse thing since we've been married. Anyway- I believe that we had to go through some things to mature as young people in ministry, so I'm thankful for the trials because they've made me into a better person and I grew because of that. I really believe that for the past 2 years we were in a dry season but God is going to do great things in our lives in 2010. This is MY year and I'm going to receive everything God has for me.....