May I be Transparent?

BEWARE: THIS IS A LONG POST

First let me tell ya, I've missed YOU! It's been a little over a week since my last post and that is because I've been down in the dumps and I didn't want to bring any negative attention to my blog. Lol.. Life has definitely been kicking my butt this past week. However, Slowly but surely I am getting it together.
Now to my post:-)

I am a woman who at 20 years of age quit her job as an Administrative Assistant at a Law Firm. Got married eloped to my college boyfriend after only 7 months of dating. Yep, 7 months.... AND this same woman found out she was pregnant 2 months after marrying her college sweetheart. 





Things couldn't have happened any faster..... Now throughout my 9 months of pregnancy and being a newlywed we struggled but we struggled together. We argued but we overcame. I was living 2 hours outside of Atlanta in the country away from my family so they would come and get me sometimes due to the fact that I had absolutely positively no friends where I was and I sat in the house pretty much depressed because the life I thought I was going to have, didn't end up that way. Me and my husband come from 2 totally different backgrounds.





My husband comes from a background where both parents were addicts, he's seen things that none of us could possibly imagine seeing as a child, and he accepted Christ at 16 in his bedroom watching television, which makes his testimony even more amazing.





I am the oldest sibling (I have 1 brother and a half sister that I hardly know), I'm a product of a divorced family (they got divorced when I was 3 and my brother was an infant) and I grew up with just my mom. I've always been good in school and I grew up in church "literally"... Lol... We were always there, my grandfather was the Pastor and my was an Evangelist (who is now the pastor).





WELL, with my father being absent from the home and feeling neglected in the home due to a busy single mom (even though I know she was doing the best she could) and a little brother who was very much a troubled child I began suffering from low self esteem throughout my life and at 16, I started having premarital sex. Trying to find love in the wrong places. Let me just say that was definitely the wrong route. I had about 3 bad relationships and just continued to deal with depression, suicidal thoughts, and every bad thought that would come to my mind I would entertain it.  




As time passed I got really serious about my relationship with God and even though it was hard and I would still fall into sin, I would still overcome all of things that the devil would throw at me and I could slowly see the light at the end of the tunnel. Throughout this transition I decided that going to a Christian college was the best route for me and that's where I met my husband. He led worship in chapel on Tuesdays, he was a really good Christian guy who loved God for real! lol... But we didn't click.... The first semester I was there we couldn't stand each other. He thought I was stuck up and "ghetto" and I thought he was stuck up and too "deep" to be around but my 2nd semester at the school something happened. God happened. Lol.... We went out one night on a "hayride" and the rest is history.

I felt like he was 'THE GUY".... But there was only one thing, we moved entirely too fast. At the moment, you don't realize you're moving too fast because you're so in love... lol... anywhoo, so we're married now and I'm pregnant barely making it. We have Madison and things are good. Still struggling but we are happy. He graduates from college and a few months later we move back to Atlanta. I eventually went back to school to take up a trade and I got hired at a Podiatry Office as a Administrative Assistant to the entire Billing Department (Aint God good) 2 years go by and we're in our 3rd year of marriage and all hell breaks loose. We were headed for divorce and things were horrible (that's when I started my blog). To make a very long story short by the Grace of God we reconciled and 3 months later I found out I was pregnant with Mallorie, my husband got hired as a Probation Officer, and due to us having only one car I had to quit my job again. HA! 



I can honestly say that these last 1 1/2 years has been one of the best years of our marriage and that's why only after 5 years of marriage we decided to renew our vows. I LOVE my hunny bunny aka "the hubbs"!  I said all of that to say this.... I am 26 years old and I have worried about my husband finishing school, supporting him with his music, trying to keep my home a happy home, taking care of the kids and last but not least. I've worried, helped, and supported everyone else's dream but mine. I got to the point where I'm asking God what about me? I've lost track of who God has called me to be or what he even wants me to do. I've had so many dreams and things I wanted to do but in the last 6 years LIFE has definitely taken over. 



I know that I can still do it but I'm to the point where I am numb. I feel like every time I get a new job or something good happens to me I have to give it up. I'm always the one who sacrifices everything and its ok sometimes but I'm almost 30 and I want to get some things accomplished. 




If I could change the past I would've dated longer, waited to get married, and waited on the children but I can not change the past and its OK;-) I've definitely embraced where I've gone in life and the testimony God has given me. I want to reach lots of women old and young with my story because I have a story and one day God is going to give me the strength and the will power to tell it but our timing is not his so I'm waiting on his release. I know that God is going to do something Great for me this year. I feel it.... But I have to shake this heaven burden off and move on. 

BTW- If you haven't figured it out by now, I am NOT a blogger who just writes about the "good" stuff. I like to be real. I want my readers to know that they're not alone and that we as women can share our feelings and not be judged. Now I'm not saying to tell all of your business because I wouldn't dare do it myself. However, we overcome by the word of our testimony and hopefully we can help each other through our experiences and through prayer. 




Lastly, Tonight a Pastor from Pennsylvania came to visit me and my husband because he wants my husband and I to move to Pennsylvania so my husband can become his Worship Pastor. When I tell you I am so confused and I REALLY need to hear God's voice on this one. This seems like an awesome opportunity and I'm trying not to be selfish but what is a girl to do? lol..... Pray for me as I go through yet another transition!  P.S. I know I may have rambled a bit so please forgive me:-)

marriage is hard sometimes

I'm not ranting and I am not putting down my marriage at all but Can I be real for just a moment?

Marriage sucks sometimes..............

I am a woman, a wife, and a mother who does not have it all together.

Marriage is one of the best things God created. It is a blessing to be married to this other imperfect human that God designed just for you but it isn't always perfect. It isn't always this fairy tale that everyone makes it seems.

Marriage comes with so many challenges. Such as.. Finances, Sex, Communication, Kids, Infidelity and so on....

You are with this person everyday for the rest of your life and its not always peaches and cream... Sometimes I want to act like a baby which I do sometimes pout and cry with my arms folded until he comes for me begging that I forgive him but life isn't that way. We have to work through our problems... Forgive and move on! AND isn't that like the hardest part? lol.... Both of you/us want to be right so nobody wants to do it or somebody wants to have the last word.

Crazy right? Marriage is HARD! PERIOD!

I cry sometimes because I feel like maybe he doesn't love me like he says he does or maybe we just aren't compatible and as I right this mad at him then I go back and realize I am definitely blessed to have the man that I have in my life but it just gets so hard sometimes.

I believe we are one blessed family but I won't sit here and act like we have it all together because we don't. As I sit here writing this post I look back at our good times and realize that our good days definitely outweigh the bad. I am one of those people who absolutely, positively, HATES going to bed mad so hopefully by the end of the day I will be the "bigger" person and resolve this issue before we go to bed tonight. lol

Loving & Learning,
-Martina

I Adore my Husband

I'm sitting here thinking about how Good I have it. I'm SO blessed and I don't take it for granted.
Who wouldn't love a man that loves God and his family? I know I do..... He works so hard to provide for us and he allows me to stay home with girls. He doesn't complain but encourages me, pushes me into my destiny, and prays for me constantly. I love him so much and I thank God for blessing me with such a man. He loves me in spite of my flaws and he continues to be a Great husband and leader of this family. He has not been perfect and yes he does make me mad sometimes and maybe a little frustrated but the Good always outweighs the bad.

Ladies: encourage, pray, and support your man. 

Tootles

To all of the Mothers and Wives..... Be Encouraged!

Be Encouraged my sisters.... I know its not easy being a mother and a wife! For me I think it might be one of the hardest jobs to have. For some of us we may not be the bread winners of the family but we are the cooks,  disciplinarian, maid, care-givers, doctor, story-teller (for nighttime with the kids), sex machine, baker, lover, and many more things but you get what I'm saying.

We're ALL of these things and sometimes we get tired!!!! There are times when I want to just get in the car leave for a whole day without telling anyone where I am. I get frustrated, angry, and tired! I know people think we are superwoman/supermom but we are human and are trying to do the best we can and sometimes we want to feel appreciated. Trust me when I say that one little day we get a year is not enough.

I just want to encourage the mommies and wives out there to continue to do what you do best. It's not easy and it is tiresome but we will make it.

*Love until you can't love anymore

*Smile when you want to roll your eyes and punch a whole in the wall

*Take a break and do something for yourself. This one is for me too b/c I rarely do this and as soon as I have this baby things will and are going to change around here, b/c I hardly get me time and that's where a lot of my frustration comes in.

The title and roll we carry is not easy but we can and will make it.... Even when we don't want to be let's be the best mommies and wives we can be... Be Encouraged and let's keep each other lifted up in prayer!

Lord,

Thank you for you love, your unconditional love. Thank you for being our provider and supplying all of our needs. Forgive us for all things known and unknown and help us to forgive ourselves for anything we've done... We offer ourselves to you first and then to our families asking that you will help us to love our spouses unconditionally. When good times come, help us to love. When bad times come, help us to love. Help us to be patient, kind-hearted, and to understand our husbands. Allow us Lord to be patient with our children and to be the mother's you've called us to be. Help us to be the prayer warriors of our families to keep our families strong and together because we know that only you can do it. Give us understanding on how to be the Mothers and Wives that you would have us to be. We cast our cares upon you God for we know that only your yoke is easy and your burden is light. We give our cares to you when we're stressed, we give our cares to you when were down, feeling lonely, or unloved. We love you lord for keeping us this far and we pray that you will continue to keep us and make and mold us into the women you want us to be. I pray that the spirit of depression, anxiety, and worry will not overtake us. Wrap us in your arms and comfort us when we feel alone and that no one cares. Give us the strength to make it even when we don't feel like we can! You are God, our father, and our comfort and with you all things are possible. We know that you can mend the broken hearts so Lord any Mother or Wife who is broken and who need you at this very moment comfort them and heal them of every hurt and pain.  Help us to endure and help us to see what the future holds for us. In Jesus Name , Amen!

Things I actually Love about my Husband

1.) He washes the dishes sometimes without me asking- Even though he may not do them the way I want, I won't complain because he does it and some men don't do that.

2.) He's a praying man and he truly loves the Lord- I love this most of all because you rarely find men like that anymore.

3.) He's very talented! He is amazing on the Acoustic Guitar....

4.) He is a very warm and kind person.

5.) Since the pregnancy he has taken care of me.... Maybe not all the time or exactly what I want him to do but if I want him to make me some cookies and milk, or get me a certain dish that I'm craving, or even deal with my whining when I don't get my way. I must say he does do those things and I am grateful..

Things I LOVE that my husband does......

1.) Eats my leftovers or drinks up all the drinks without saying anything.

2.) Inconsiderate of my feelings Ex: If you eat your pregnant wife's leftovers, food, drinks! That is very inconsiderate... lol

3.) He's a hoarder and he doesn't like to get rid of anything

4.) Puts more into football & the gym more than his girls (at least that's how I feel sometimes)

5.) Leaves things around for me to throw away or pick up since obviously I'm his maid

6.) Falls asleep while having pillow talk

7.) "Sometimes" Unresponsive to things I'm trying to communicate about

8.) Makes me feel like a Million Bucks- NOT! Lol

Marriage can be so complicated!!!!

A much needed Date Night....

When you get married and have children sometimes you forget about "us" and the time you need with just you and him.... So, Madison stayed with her Nana (Thanks Mom) and me and my husband decided that we would do something last night so I was craving ribs and he took me to Sonny's and then we went to a dollar movie to see the Hangover 2 which was hilarious. I told him this morning when I woke up that he has me sprung, we had been having a lot of tension between us and couldn't figure out why we kept arguing ALL the time and I think we just needed that quality time without Madison. Trust me when I say that was all we needed:-)

Its a must that "we" husbands and wives make time for each other so we can keep the romance and the relationship alive. Its a MUST! You don't want your marriage to start getting boring. Even if you have to rent a movie, cuddle and hold each other at night, cook together, etc. its imperative that we keep the romance alive. Prayer is also the key actually the #1 key to a successful marriage and then you add to the list but we must pray for our spouses and our marriage that God will sustain us in this time. Show your spouse some love and do something (surprisingly) different and watch what happens.

Let's keep love alive and watch our marriages flourish into what God wants it to be!

Pregnancy during the summer time

We planned this pregnancy around January and were pregnant in February (I guess you can call me fertile myrtle) during this time I was excited because with Maddie Bear I was pregnant during the winter, so being pregnant during the summer would be a great experience, well- at least that's what I thought. After being pregnant during the months of May, June, July, and August I have come to the realization that I will NEVER get pregnant around this time again.

For the most part I will say it has been ok but this heat is beyond unbearable. I wake up in the middle of the night just to change my shirt because I've sweated the other one out. I'm always sweating so that means even on my face, so, I can't even where my make-up and with all the changes I'm experiencing I need it....hahaha

With Madison I didn't deal with complications, laziness, or a desire to just lay around all day but this pregnancy is beyond different. So, what they say is true- every pregnancy is different. Having a toddler running & jumping around all day and wanting me every 5 mins just makes things a little worse. I love being at home with Maddie but being pregnant with this baby and staying home with Maddie has really taken a toll on me.  I feel like I haven't given her all the attention that she wants or needs. Yes- we play but not as much as we use to and I just don't have the energy I did when I was 5 months pregnant. The bigger I get the more sluggish I am.

With my husband, I must say I have a GREAT man! We've had plenty of arguments, silent treatments, and all of the above x 2 since I've been pregnant but I'm so grateful that he's been patient with me and has really helped out, more than most men would. He's gotten on my nerves and vice versa but the love that we have for each other always out weighs all of that other stuff. Today he came home during his lunch break and I was having another pregnancy "emotional" breakdown and I asked him to pray for me and he started to pray. Tears begin to run down my face and all I could do was thank God for sending me a man of prayer! I'm so thankful for that prayer because within a few mins I was back on track. He's been so understanding at times and for the past few days has been VERY patient with me. He downloaded a Pregnancy Workout routine and I did it for the first time today and at the end she tells us to relax and breathe in and out and I fell alseep so I'm hoping the next time that won't get the best of me but will give me a burst of energy.

I am praying for a safe delivery and a healthy baby and that's my heart's desire. Even though this heat is getting the best of me, seeing her little face is going to be such a Joy!

This one is for the men.... Who are you married too????

Is it the Xbox, Your Job, Computer, Work, Church, Or Your Boys?

I ask those questions because that's what most men attach themselves too after a hard days work and its OK but nothing should come before your family. Did you make vows to all of those things? No...... So, We as women and children desire your attention. We shouldn't have to beg or complain or even argue until you decide to want to do something with us. If God blessed you with a family, you should want to spend quality time with them instead of complaining or making up excuses all the time for why you don't want to do anything.

For the record..... When you want to get on top of us and have sex, we are tired too and sometimes don't even want to do it but we do.

I'll talk about me for a moment- My husband loves his Xbox and I don't mind him playing but he sometimes forgets about my feelings and neglects me due to that game and I desire his attention and I desire it even more now because I'm pregnant. That's just one of our issues but God is still working on us just like any married couple. Pray Saints! Lol

All men need an outlet and I'm saying that you shouldn't have one but don't forget about the ones who>>> Wash your clothes, take care of the kids, make sure everyone is feed, make sure the house is clean, etc. We work hard men and sometimes we just want to be held, feel appreciated, loved, special, sexy, and all of the above. If we can boost your ego you can boost ours sometimes. Can I get an Amen Ladies???

Men I know you feel like you're doing your duty by working and paying the bills and you think that's all you're suppose to do... Ummmmm- I hate to bust your bubble but that's not it! Men we appreciate ALL you do but I promise if you make us feel like you care, life would be alot easier:-)


                     

Sick, Lazy, Nauseous, Excited.....

So, the title of this may confuse you but all of those descriptions could only mean one thing....

Baby #2 is on its way:-)  

  "WE" are excited.... My husband is wanting a boy and so am I. However, The constant sickness and nausea is driving me crazy. I'm already 3 months and I was hoping that it would be gone by now. I don't recall being this sick with Madison but every pregnancy is different. The constant cravings and eating ALL of the time is kind of freaking me out. Yes, its been 3 years since our first child but this child is taking a toll on me and I feel like I forgot about being pregnant, for some reason it feels like everything is so new to me. Sort of weird but true! I'm hoping in the next few weeks/months that all of this will go away and I will be a happy jolly preggo woman but until then I pretty much feel the need to snap on people who intentionally and unintentionally aggravate me. I feel so bad for running my husband around everywhere and whining but sometimes it gets to the point where I can't even help it. He's been so good to me. He cooks and whatever I need he gets it if he can and I don't take him for granted. I love my husband and he's one of the good one's and God couldn't have done a better job than to bless me with him. Now don't get me wrong I do feel like this is the least he could do since I'm the one going through all of the emotional, physical, and spiritual changes and I have to push the baby out so yeah ummmm that's the least "men" could do for their wives! LOL.... I am officially 3 months pregnant and the baby is due October 28th, 2011 and we're very excited. I just want to get better. I don't even feel like myself.... I feel like a lazy bomb. All I want to do is sleep, eat, and watch movies and its beginning to get on my nerves because I feel like I can't do anything but that. I force myself to get up and do something and my body or mind doesn't let me. Yesterday, I got up and cleaned the kitchen, dining room, and living room and felt really good about it and I had a GOOD day! Recently, I haven't had alot of those so I was happy about that. Me and Madison played and sung and danced around and I felt like maybe today would be like that one but SIKE I got fooled! LOLOLOL... However, hopefully it will get better and I will be able to enjoy my summer being preggo. I could keep rambling on but now I'm hungry again and I have to see if my honey will bring a pizza home:-) Peace

Excepting where I am in Life and Embracing Change!

Can we say Superwoman? So many things come to mind when we talk about the titles we have as women. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed (nothing wrong with that) b/c you have to do the laundry, get the kids ready, cook, work (even though I quit my job 2 months ago), have sex with the husbandman, play with the kids, clean, and yes I'm leaving some things out but sometimes I just want ME time but at times I so love being with my family! As long as we have that Balance everything will work out BUT sometimes its hard trying to keep things balanced b/c things change so much. Especially when your married with a child and some! People would say I wouldn't have gotten married so young or had kids at that age but who cares, NOT ME! I'm SO happy with my life, at first it was hard trying to except the decision I made to get married b/c I moved away from family and I was alone where we were living but God gives us a peace about where we are in our life and he allows to embrace where we are, except change, and learn life lessons. I won't lie and say it has been easy because it hasn't but I will say I'm thankful for who God placed in my life and who he took out. I no longer try to hold on to the past or dwell on it but I've learned to embrace and be a testimony to others. If you're reading this know that whatever you went though wasn't just for you but for you to help someone else.


Tina