May I be Transparent?

BEWARE: THIS IS A LONG POST

First let me tell ya, I've missed YOU! It's been a little over a week since my last post and that is because I've been down in the dumps and I didn't want to bring any negative attention to my blog. Lol.. Life has definitely been kicking my butt this past week. However, Slowly but surely I am getting it together.
Now to my post:-)

I am a woman who at 20 years of age quit her job as an Administrative Assistant at a Law Firm. Got married eloped to my college boyfriend after only 7 months of dating. Yep, 7 months.... AND this same woman found out she was pregnant 2 months after marrying her college sweetheart. 





Things couldn't have happened any faster..... Now throughout my 9 months of pregnancy and being a newlywed we struggled but we struggled together. We argued but we overcame. I was living 2 hours outside of Atlanta in the country away from my family so they would come and get me sometimes due to the fact that I had absolutely positively no friends where I was and I sat in the house pretty much depressed because the life I thought I was going to have, didn't end up that way. Me and my husband come from 2 totally different backgrounds.





My husband comes from a background where both parents were addicts, he's seen things that none of us could possibly imagine seeing as a child, and he accepted Christ at 16 in his bedroom watching television, which makes his testimony even more amazing.





I am the oldest sibling (I have 1 brother and a half sister that I hardly know), I'm a product of a divorced family (they got divorced when I was 3 and my brother was an infant) and I grew up with just my mom. I've always been good in school and I grew up in church "literally"... Lol... We were always there, my grandfather was the Pastor and my was an Evangelist (who is now the pastor).





WELL, with my father being absent from the home and feeling neglected in the home due to a busy single mom (even though I know she was doing the best she could) and a little brother who was very much a troubled child I began suffering from low self esteem throughout my life and at 16, I started having premarital sex. Trying to find love in the wrong places. Let me just say that was definitely the wrong route. I had about 3 bad relationships and just continued to deal with depression, suicidal thoughts, and every bad thought that would come to my mind I would entertain it.  




As time passed I got really serious about my relationship with God and even though it was hard and I would still fall into sin, I would still overcome all of things that the devil would throw at me and I could slowly see the light at the end of the tunnel. Throughout this transition I decided that going to a Christian college was the best route for me and that's where I met my husband. He led worship in chapel on Tuesdays, he was a really good Christian guy who loved God for real! lol... But we didn't click.... The first semester I was there we couldn't stand each other. He thought I was stuck up and "ghetto" and I thought he was stuck up and too "deep" to be around but my 2nd semester at the school something happened. God happened. Lol.... We went out one night on a "hayride" and the rest is history.

I felt like he was 'THE GUY".... But there was only one thing, we moved entirely too fast. At the moment, you don't realize you're moving too fast because you're so in love... lol... anywhoo, so we're married now and I'm pregnant barely making it. We have Madison and things are good. Still struggling but we are happy. He graduates from college and a few months later we move back to Atlanta. I eventually went back to school to take up a trade and I got hired at a Podiatry Office as a Administrative Assistant to the entire Billing Department (Aint God good) 2 years go by and we're in our 3rd year of marriage and all hell breaks loose. We were headed for divorce and things were horrible (that's when I started my blog). To make a very long story short by the Grace of God we reconciled and 3 months later I found out I was pregnant with Mallorie, my husband got hired as a Probation Officer, and due to us having only one car I had to quit my job again. HA! 



I can honestly say that these last 1 1/2 years has been one of the best years of our marriage and that's why only after 5 years of marriage we decided to renew our vows. I LOVE my hunny bunny aka "the hubbs"!  I said all of that to say this.... I am 26 years old and I have worried about my husband finishing school, supporting him with his music, trying to keep my home a happy home, taking care of the kids and last but not least. I've worried, helped, and supported everyone else's dream but mine. I got to the point where I'm asking God what about me? I've lost track of who God has called me to be or what he even wants me to do. I've had so many dreams and things I wanted to do but in the last 6 years LIFE has definitely taken over. 



I know that I can still do it but I'm to the point where I am numb. I feel like every time I get a new job or something good happens to me I have to give it up. I'm always the one who sacrifices everything and its ok sometimes but I'm almost 30 and I want to get some things accomplished. 




If I could change the past I would've dated longer, waited to get married, and waited on the children but I can not change the past and its OK;-) I've definitely embraced where I've gone in life and the testimony God has given me. I want to reach lots of women old and young with my story because I have a story and one day God is going to give me the strength and the will power to tell it but our timing is not his so I'm waiting on his release. I know that God is going to do something Great for me this year. I feel it.... But I have to shake this heaven burden off and move on. 

BTW- If you haven't figured it out by now, I am NOT a blogger who just writes about the "good" stuff. I like to be real. I want my readers to know that they're not alone and that we as women can share our feelings and not be judged. Now I'm not saying to tell all of your business because I wouldn't dare do it myself. However, we overcome by the word of our testimony and hopefully we can help each other through our experiences and through prayer. 




Lastly, Tonight a Pastor from Pennsylvania came to visit me and my husband because he wants my husband and I to move to Pennsylvania so my husband can become his Worship Pastor. When I tell you I am so confused and I REALLY need to hear God's voice on this one. This seems like an awesome opportunity and I'm trying not to be selfish but what is a girl to do? lol..... Pray for me as I go through yet another transition!  P.S. I know I may have rambled a bit so please forgive me:-)

My thoughts @ 2:30 am

It's 2:30 "AM" and I can't sleep and I have to be at church at 9:00 am  so I decided to post on something that has been weighing in on my heart all night.

I feel like I've been so distant from God. Not that I want to be but it just seems like I've had something holding me back from being where and who he wants me to be. Ever been there?


Accepting Jesus as my Savior and living this life as a Christian is not easy but I want to do it. He died for me so I can live and be forgiven for past, present, and future sins.

I started to get down tonight for a split second and I realized that I am a Friend of God. No matter when I feel alone or I feel like no one is there, HE IS! He is my Friend and He is an Omnipresent God meaning he is always there. Everywhere I am, he is right there. He is there with me even when I feel like I'm so far away from him.

I don't like to make Resolutions or should I say promises I can't keep but I have a couple of things I want to do starting this week to get my relationship with God back on track. I just want more of him.... I want all that God has for me and I want to know him for who he is and not from what someone told me. So, I've decided to jot down a few things that would help me get to that point.

1.) Put me and the girls on an actual schedule
2.) Go to to the Bible book store and purchase a couple of good reads to help me grow spiritually (I have some awesome books but I need more because I want more of God)
3.) Wake up at 6:00 am to pray and meditate on God's word and if I don't wake up that early because I am definitely not a morning person. I will set time aside (at least an hour) to get my time in with God.
4.) Exercise
5.) Control my thoughts and not think so much on every little thing
6.) I will not allow fear to take over my mind
7.) Be a better wife & mother

I believe if I can do all of those things I will be on the right track. The older I get I realize that having Balance & Structure in the home plays a huge role in your spiritual walk with Christ. Have you ever realized that when things are out of whack at home or life in general, everything seems to be falling apart? Whether it be mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual.... And then when you have that structure in your life, everything seems to be OK? Even when its not ok 365 days out of the year, when you have that balance its easier to put things back in place. Well, that's where I want to be.... This year I want all that God has for me and I plan on receiving every bit of it.

Have you ever been where I am? If so, what did you do to help you grow or to have that consistent time with him? What steps did you take?

Deuteronomy 28:13 And the LORD shall make thee the head, and not the tail; and thou shalt be above only, and thou shalt not be beneath; if that thou hearken unto the commandments of the LORD thy God, which I command thee this day, to observe and to do them:

-Martina

Oh, how

I MISS MY LONG HAIR:( 

I cut it in February 2011 and at the time I felt like it was a great choice, even though the guy who cut it did NOT give me the bob I asked for. It still turned out cute but now as I looked over my FB photos I ran across a pic a few weeks before I cut my hair and I got all emotional because I started to miss my long hair. It's not really short but its not as long as it was either. I will show you before and after pics of my hair. 

This is my hair before I cut it.... Really Long:)

This is my hair after I cut it & colored it Jet Black

This is my hair Now....

Its growing back ssssllllooooowwwwlllllyyyyy ....LOL.... So, I can't complain but I still miss my hair.

-Martina

i'm seperating myself

I realized that there are times when you have to separate yourself from family, friends, and even some peers who may not seem to care about your feelings but who always put you down no matter what is going on and if it affects you as a person then you have to be mature about the situation and say enough is enough and do it in a mature way and remove yourself from ppl who consistently have something to say to you. Today was the last day that I will allow them to say comments about me. Well, they can talk but I told myself I will just separate myself when they come around. It can be 15 of us sitting around and guess who there main target is.....................................ME....................................and I'm so sick of it! Some may say that I'm acting like this b/c I'm pregnant and that may be true to a certain extinct but for the most part I have been fed up with this for years but it seems like I always find myself around them and they're at it again. Its so petty but it bothers me. I'm always their target and enough is enough. I know sometimes they are joking but its every 5 minutes when I'm around them and a person can only take so much. When other ppl are around I'll ask "Am I the only person you see right here?" I ask that b/c everyone else is ignored and I am always picked on. Sometimes I may have a blonde moment (LOL) but I mean alot of them have it and nobody says anything, I could say somethings back to them that would really hurt (I feel myself getting to that point, that's why I have separate myself) but I won't allow myself to stoop to their level. If you're in a situation where you feel like someone is affecting your self-esteem, you don't feel appreciated, or you find yourself aggravated every time you're around them. Find the courage and strength to separate yourself and no your self worth and don't allow anyone to talk down to you and make you feel less than what you are. One thing I found out, is that when ppl see other ppl do it to you (especially your family) they will (outsiders) will feel that is ok and that's not right. You must stand your ground and let ppl know that you're human just like they are and you have feelings like everyone else and if they can't respect that, then you know what you have to do. I love my family but I'm human and I'm fed up. Anyway, I'm tired of going on about this nonsense but that's how I felt today so until next time! Peace